One in eight couples have trouble conceiving. Whether a contributing factor from the man or from the woman, infertility feels tragic in every case. Not everyone wants children- but for those that do, "You’re unable to carry your own child" are the most heartbreaking words a woman could hear. I was 16 years old when I was given the news that pregnancy would never be an option for me. By the time high school came around, all of the girls I grew up with had started their period and I felt like I was the odd one out. My friends would ask if I had a tampon they could borrow, and I was too embarrassed to tell them I hadn’t even hit puberty yet. I would pretend to rummage through my purse looking for one and sheepishly come up empty-handed. After a couple of more years patiently awaiting “womanhood” with no positive outcome, my mom decided it was time for a gyno visit. After multiple physical exams, MRI’s, ultrasounds, and blood tests, I was told I did in fact hit puberty but something was wrong. Days after the testing was over, my parents picked me up from school. The entire ride home was quiet. The air was tense and I had a gut feeling the two of them got news that they weren’t sure how to tell me. Once we got to the house, Mom sat me down in a hard, wooden dining room chair and she sat to the right of me. She gazed at me for a few seconds, took a deep breath, and said “They couldn’t find your uterus.” as tears streamed down her face. I think seeing my mom cry made me feel worse than the life-changing news did. She slid a piece of paper across the antique table. It was information the doctor’s office recommended she give me. In bold font across the top of the page read “Mayer-Rokitansky-Kuster-Hauser Syndrome”, a syndrome that affects one in about 5,000 women. Within seconds, I went from a “normal” teenager to a chick with a syndrome. But wait, if I was born without a uterus, was I even a female? Yes, but I sure didn’t feel like it at the time. My heart was crushed. I never thought about having kids until the privilege was taken away from me. My mind raced and wouldn’t stop. For months and even years after getting the diagnosis, I wondered if anyone wouldn’t love me because I was unable to give them a child the “natural” way. Would someone leave me because I wasn’t enough of a woman? How will I tell my partner about my diagnosis and how many details do I give? Not long ago, I really started thinking more specifically about the pregnancy thing instead of how someone else might view me. I spent years in depression mourning the loss of something I didn’t know I wanted, but never even had in the first place. Morning sickness. A positive pregnancy test. Lactating boobs. A kicking baby. Labor and pushing. Just a few of the incredible sensations and emotions that I, and so many other women unable to carry a child will never feel. These "simple" things that are taken for granted and complained about by so many, we would give anything to experience. When we log on to social media, it seems as though we see a new pregnancy or birth announcement every day. We want to be overjoyed and over the moon for them- and truly, we are. But our first thought seems to be "Why can’t that be me?” We don't mean to be like this. In fact, we wish we weren’t. We want it to be something that doesn’t bother us, but it’s simply not that easy. It's not that we despise those who become pregnant by any means. We are not bitter towards those sharing such a special moment with the world. We are simply jealous, and wish we could experience that same joy. Some day, maybe a few of us will. Although being a woman does NOT mean you have to bring a baby into the world, once you become aware that you'll never bare a child, your womanhood feels pretty shaken. No matter the reason for infertility, it's earth-shattering. Sometimes we have a hard time coping. We scream, we cry, we punch pillows. Some days we don’t even think about it, and other days we feel sad and broken. It’s part of our process and although sometimes we’re convinced otherwise, it does not make us weak. Looking at our spouse, we can't help but feel an overwhelming emptiness. The very thing we want, to give them a child of their own, we are unable to do. That's an indescribable feeling. “Helpless” is the only word that comes to mind, but I don’t think that begins to cover it. "Does my partner think less of me?" "Am I still beautiful in their eyes?" "Will they leave me for someone that can give them a family?" Those thoughts bombard us often. We already know the answers- of course they don't think less of me. Yes, I am still beautiful. No, they will not leave me. Yet these questions seem to haunt us over and over again and it can be SO draining. Listen. We know there are other ways to be a mother. We know. Trust me, when you say "You can just adopt!" or "You could find a surrogate mother!" - OMG. WE. KNOW. THAT. Adoption is awesome; it's a gift for all parties involved. Offering to be our surrogate or help us find one is a sweet gesture. But it doesn't lessen the internal pain we feel. We have done our research and we know what our options are. You don't mean harm by saying these things, in fact you are only trying to cheer us up, but it simply does not make us feel better. It’s not the same as giving birth or becoming pregnant the “natural” way, and it never will be. To have a baby, many couples just have to "get it on" and BOOM- they've got a positive pregnancy test. Those who are infertile need testing, interviews, multiple doctor appointments, minor surgeries, egg retrievals, etc. before an embryo even comes into play. It becomes mentally and physically draining. In addition- adoption, IVF, and surrogacy empties pockets. We don't go buy a crib and diapers right away; there are other things that need paying for before that even crosses our minds. Another thing; we don't always want to talk about it. It's far from an easy subject and it's not just something to bring up at the dinner table. Please don't be offended if we choose to not answer when you ask why we haven't had children yet or when we’re going to start trying. There are literally so many reasons why those questions are never okay in any situation. To any couple or female out there struggling with infertility, whether caused by autoimmune diseases, cancer, fallopian tube damage, uterine or cervical abnormalities, ovulation disorders, genetic abnormalities, cysts, etc.- I see you. You are a badass. Your feelings are valid and you are so loved. You’re not alone, and the things you feel are felt by so many others, even though you feel secluded. Needless to say, once we are blessed with a child in our lives- however that happens- it will be the single most beautiful thing to ever happen to us. Hearing the words "I love you, mommy" will be the sweetest sound. Looking into our child's eyes will be a sight we never forget. If it’s your goal to be a mom, I believe you will be just that. You cannot give up, you cannot let it eat you alive, and you cannot let it defeat you. Infertility is something that’s a part of you- it is not who you are.
4 Comments
Steph
2/4/2019 07:04:29 pm
This was beautifully written. I’m thankful for you sharing your message with others.
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Brooke
3/8/2019 02:09:24 pm
Thank you for sharing. I, also, went through almost those exact same events at 16 but caused my failed/ nonexistent ovaries. The tests and doc visits were rough but we are stronger because of it! It’s nice to know I’m not alone with my struggles and worries!
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KassidyAnn
3/17/2019 08:28:01 pm
This is such a beautiful piece and you are a wonderful writer. I would absolutely love to read more of your writing. Thank you for this, thank you for you.
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